Top Five Places to Get Murdered at UCLA

DISCLAIMER** This article was written purely for comedic purposes, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Are classes ever too much for you? Do people keep telling you that your major isn’t marketable enough to make it in the modern job market, and that you’ll never pay off your student loans? Or is it the existential despair resulting from the realization that you and every last person who you ever loved or who merely even knew of you will be dead in a few centuries, eliminating the last pieces of evidence remaining that prove that you once existed? Well, this article is for you. Read further for rankings of the best places to get murdered at our beloved school, University of California, Los Angeles.

5. The Entrance to Viewpoint Conference Room at 4:00 A.M.

The flights of dull gray concrete stairs closed in by (you guessed it) concrete walls, the orange lighting, the homeless guy who stares at you as you walk by, and the general ambience pushed this location to number 5 on this list. No one will hear you scream. Especially not at 4 a.m.

4. The “Garden” Behind Canyon Point

This hidden patch of grass and concrete irrigation systems behind Sunset Village Canyon Point is rarely visited by UCLA locals (and for good reason). Only a serious low point would drive a person to…